SEX STARTS IN YOUR ‘MIND’ NOT IN THE BEDROOM 

By Sherri Scott-Berner 

 December 13th 2010

The mind is a very powerful tool, which I’m sure you have already found out as you have tried with all your might to fight the many destructive ponderings it throws at you every day.

Besides the obvious negative influences, like jealousy, negative self talk, lust, etc., there are many positive productive influences it haves on even the most fragile of marriage relationships.

When it comes down to all that we do, say or experience, our brain is the cockpit where all the controls, and memories are located. If we don’t stop negative thinking toward our partner, it continues to  be either active or lie dormant within the many regions of our brain preventing one’s sex life from flourishing the way we desperately  wish it could.  On that same note, if we don’t’ use our brains to live our lives as more loving spouses, we leave far too much work for the’ negative thinking brain’ to do in order  to unravel years of hurt and resentment that soon kills intimacy, love and  desire.

Sex is a two way street, that involves two brains.  Both brains hold the memories of a life time, which could include numerous good and bad relationships, dysfunctional upbringings, rape, incest, insecurities, self loathing, etc.  Each negative experience one has like not feeling loved, or past or present hurtful relationships, figuratively leave scar tissue on our brain (which we may relate more easily to as walls around our heart).

It takes trust to build the foundation to allow these feelings of anger, hurt and frustration to surface so that they may be tangible enough to discuss and then cognitively chew up and store on a shelf in the:  “It happened but I’m OK with it now shelf), in the grand filing system of our brain.

With some of us, the hurt has become so deeply rooted, that it has begun to change who we are to the point that we are unrecognizable to others, most importantly to our spouse and to our self.  Our **ego strength has become so low that one cannot bring themselves to a place of trust without the help of a professional…and that’s OK too.

Regardless of whether a couple is able to trust each other enough to help the other unravel, and begin to live more freely, and more lovingly; or whether the couple needs to seek out the help from a professional, the result (if the couples desires it) will be mind-blowing!

There is something beautiful and erotic about pure exposure of one-self that promotes connectedness, and desire;  but two have to be willing to both unravel and nurture the inner wounds of the other to reap its benefits and promote further unraveling.  One thoughtless comment, or heartless word, can result in less penetrate-able barriers that will only take more time and effort to unravel, bringing on more feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

THOUGHT TO TAKE WITH YOU: 

1.       Love your spouse even when they are not lovable (pray for the ability if you do not have it)

2.       See the scared inner child within the hardened adult  (this is s good one!!!)

3.       Pray for your spouse at least everyday

4.       Put your spouse’s needs before your own

5.       Help with evening shores so you have more time alone

6.       Go on weekly date nights – no excuses please.

7.       Husbands love your children deeply and treat them with respect, there is no turn-on greater than this!!!

 **Ego Strength:  “Ego strength helps us maintain emotional stability and cope with internal and external stress.” ( http://psychology.about.com/od/eindex/g/def_egostrength.htm)